INNOCENTS ON BOARD
(with apologies to Mark Twain)
This is the story of a brave and adventurous band, gathered from two continents by Shelley of Red. Strangers at first, we quickly bonded because we had a most important mission in common. As promised, Jon of the Hat was waiting for us at the Cairo airport. Our luggage oddly disappeared when we boarded a bus, but the gods were smiling upon us. We joined the hordes of tourists who infested the hotels and attractions of this mysterious land. From the bus we gazed at our first pyramids, silhouetted against the silvery sky of twilight. Words cannot describe that thrill! We were actually in Egypt, where, not life, but affairs of the after-ilfe were celebrated in magnificent splendor. Almost immediately, we were introduced to Gouda, the Good perfumer and spiritual travel consultant. Later, as made our way throunh Egypt, people would ask who had arranged for our trip, and when we said Gouda, the Good, they would nod and say, "Oh, yes... he is famous".... But, we were never to know any more than that. However, we spent many evenings on the roof of his house looking at the magnificent Sphinx and the three Great Pyramids! Not many people have had that experience l think that as his fame spreads through out the world, more people will get to his roof and watch the sound and light show in Russian, Italian or Japanese....They will sit there trying to calculate the value of his property in dollars.
We were admitted, by the ever alert security guard, to the Kirkadee Hotel (spelling var.) and were served hibiscus tea by a genie...yes. he of the lamp. The accommodations were much to our liking and our luggage appeared. The gods were smiling upon us. We were relieved to find that food would be in abundance each day... Moreover, just to be sure... Jon of the Hat would provide water and sustenance whenever we were on the bus for more than an hour. Is this a good time to mention water? Maybe not!!!!! Jon of the Hat and our guide, Achmed, were in constant negotiation over water purchases as well as other matters. Despite overwhelming odds, Jon of the Hat courageously persevered and took care of us. Meanwhile, Shelley of Red enlightened and led in such things as the correct use of grapefruit seed essence...a magical compound to ward off Pharaoh's revenge. One taste and I dangerously opted to disregard it... I survived. The gods were smiling.
On our first day we were dragged from our beds to the Great Pyramid of Cheops ( who decreed that tourists must always begin each day at an ungodly hour this is a universal disease 1 don't think the gods should smile at that. ) Anyhow we got to see the endless ocean of yellow nothingness and had the entire Great Pyramid to ourselves for two hours...thanks to Shelley of Red who had called her friend and there we were, in the bowels of this enormous structure that continues to defy historians and experts. We knew what to do...each in his turn lay in the huge bathtub (sarcophagus) and we all chanted by candle light. A truly awesome experience!
Egypt is a land of superlatives....the earliest organized society, the cradle of civilization, home of the Rosetta Stone, the greatest pyramids, the most enigmatic sphioxes, the finest hieroglyphics, the most magnificent tombs, the most beautiful temples, the longest river, the most policemen, the earliest use of contraceptives, the first brain surgery, unrivaled burial practices. I am happy to say that the gods were smiling and we traveled far and wide to see what hordes of lost tribes have come to see in this wondrous place. In case the gods were distracted there were always those armed guards and policemen on horses, camels and on foot to protect us. I leave it to others to give you accurate descriptions and recommendations of what to do and see in Egypt. I will tell of important things, but I will give no advice. The gods might be listening.
The most important reason for taking the arduous and sometimes frightful journey to Egypt is that rare delicacy found in every cafe and restaurant all over the country. Baba Ganoush!! If the Egyptians can achieve this fabulous food with unerring consistency, surely they can solve such minor problems as poverty and hunger and bring peace to the Middle East.
I am always asked by the people at home if I got to ride a camel....(as if this would be my reason for going to Egypt). I answer "Yes!" And Shelley of Red did indeed take us on a midnight ride into the dark and mysterious desert we were accompanied by Gouda the Good these two, Shelley and Gouda had arranged for a lunar eclipse to begin at the very moment we started our ride. With that same precision they managed to have us arrive at the vortex when the eclipse of the moon was complete. We held hands, chanted, meditated and shared visions as well as enjoyed a visit from Kendra (ali this we usually did on most important occasions). I was glad to leave that spot because I was almost ready to jump into magnetic hole in the ground when I realized I would have to get up and down and up again on that camel. I survived the gods were smiling and we did not get arrested for riding camels into the desert at night). Far more frightening were the taxi's. I understand that the Egyptian Department of Tourism awards a prize each year to the most outrageous driver in the country On our last day in Egypt we had the honor of riding into the desert, through small villages, etc., in the cab of last year's winner. Taxi and camel are not the only modes of transportation....There are cars and station wagons, busses and trucks, norses and carriages, boats and faluccas, airplanes all competing for passengers, cargo and space on city and country byways But, it is the little gray donkeys that trudge along the roads, unsung, often abused and never complaining, that I salute. They, like the little gray people everywhere, who hang their washing out from the windows of their rooms, go through life with perseverance and reliability and make it all work. Do the gods smile upon them? I hope so.
Every day we were descended upon by a multitude of hungry eyed locals in galabayahs or Hawaiian shirts. They welcomed us with big grins while exhorting us for "Baksheesh". Surely this is truly the curse of the mummy upon all who dare to come to this land. We soon learned to run for cover when we saw them coming toward us...we would wave our arms and shout "No". Still they came...as long as we were new arrivals. Later they seemed milder and less determined. The exception was the grim visage of every restroom attendant we encountered everywhere... they handed out exactly 6 inches of paper with one hand and held the other hand out for Baksheesh.
No matter which party we contracted with for going someplace, there was always another contender for our dollars. And when a group was dispatched there would be a massive invasion of vendors who would sell us marvelous items... everything from ancient relics to priceless artwork, to jewelry in gold, silver, lapis, to exotic clothing and scarves, to postcards and bookmarks. And thus we were able to execute our primary mission. Shopping, shopping, shopping. We shopped and shopped and shopped and never dropped in the market, in the store,on the street, in the hotel, on the boat, on our way to anywhere at any time. Sometimes we would walk away from ridiculously high prices and buy later at the same price or we would bargain and bargain, not just to get the best price, but to qain back a measure of self-respect. Old and young they seemed to fin~us delighfful and entertaining. We are contenders for the title of Tourists Who Did The Most To Raise Egypt's GNP. And the gods did indeed smile upon the vendors.
Any account of our mission cannot continue without mention of our guide, Achmed, the Middleman. He took us to many shops, but ignored the American need to do-it- yourself. We wanted to be independent besides the belly dancers shop was a lot more fun and less grim. Talk about determination... Achmed would appear and put his around our shoulder as soon as we had made a purchase. In no time at all, he managed to find out what we had bought, how much we paid. Being a modern young man with high aspirations, I am sure that this was his way of doing market surveys. He used up-to-date teaching methods and we learned much about thimbles and hully of hullies as well as "hot chicken soup". I do not think I flatter us when I say that he really liked us. In fact I know he did...he left so much more to tell about Ancient and Modern Egypt, thus ensuring our return in the future. I hope the gods smile upon him.
In no time at all, it was time to leave this enchanted land of Egypt and we found ourselves back at the Cairo airport. We were feeling pretty sure of ourselves and were willing to undertake the journey home without the watchful eyes of Shelley the Red and Jon of the Hat. We had said our farewells to them, the the Sphinx, the Pyramids, the vendors and gave the bus driver Baksheesh (much to the consternation of some other middleman, not Achmed). We were not worried, we were hardy and experienced travelers. Alas, the gods were laughing! But that is another tale to be told at another time.
Any account of our mission cannot continue without mention of our guide, Achmed, the Middleman. He took us to many shops, but ignored the American need to do-it- yourself. We wanted to be independent besides the belly dancers shop was a lot more fun and less grim. Talk about determination... Achmed would appear and put his around our shoulder as soon as we had made a purchase. In no time at all, he managed to find out what we had bought, how much we paid. Being a modern young man with high aspirations, I am sure that this was his way of doing market surveys. He used up-to-date teaching methods and we learned much about thimbles and hully of hullies as well as "hot chicken soup". I do not think I flatter us when I say that he really liked us. In fact I know he did...he left so much more to tell about Ancient and Modern Egypt, thus ensuring our return in the future. I hope the gods smile upon him.
In no time at all, it was time to leave this enchanted land of Egypt and we found ourselves back at the Cairo airport. We were feeling pretty sure of ourselves and were willing to undertake the journey home without the watchful eyes of Shelley the Red and Jon of the Hat. We had said our farewells to them, the the Sphinx, the Pyramids, the vendors and gave the bus driver Baksheesh (much to the consternation of some other middleman, not Achmed). We were not worried, we were hardy and experienced travelers. Alas, the gods were laughing! But that is another tale to be told at another time.
Gerri Lumian